I. Can't. Even.

 Ahhhhh ... 2020.  You bitch.

There are so many things I have under-written and not written at all during my way too long hiatus (a.k.a. yet another failed attempt at routine), and I am not even sure I can muster the energy to go back and relive those feelings and memories in one or even six sittings right now.  However, I haven't suffered alone despite literally being isolated for much of it.  The Solitude I feared so much has become a friend I never intended to have - but one I have come to realize I missed from my youth.  I need Solitude even though I don't always want it.  Silly Solitude.

I have been wanting so badly to start writing again, but I haven't known how to start.  I want to make time to read other people's thoughts and maybe look up some old favorites on here.  I have got to carve myself out some personal time that includes written expression - both creating and taking in of others like myself (and some not so much).  The problem is, I like writing and not just typing ... like physically.  I like writing by hand in my journal.  The other problem is, I'm also bad about writing in there.  But it is good for the really personal thoughts that aren't for public eyes.  A little mystery makes people interesting.  That being said, I at least need to write in some form about a broad range of things and not just one tiny aspect of my life here and there.  The conversations I have with people DAILY has me wishing I were recording because my life is pretty damned entertaining at times!  I have been reading more lately though, so I have been putting aside time ... I'll just have to start splitting that time with writing, I suppose.  Meh ... 

So I'm going to try to start writing ... again.  I have so many things to share that I have read and experienced and learned this past couple of years, and I feel like I need to get all my thoughts down so I can look at them from a distance and make sense of them.  Things get so jumbled when they collect for too long up in the brain.  I have to spill everything out on a table, so to speak, and sort them out once in a while to keep from feeling overstimulated.  I require resolution.  It's time for me to tie up some issues and address some others, and it's going to be a lot easier if I can make an effort to gradually go through the "junk drawer" in my mind.

I type way faster than I write, so when my brain is spinning like it is today, typing it out isn't near as far behind my hands as when I'm trying to write it all down in a way that looks good for whoever might read it a hundred years from now.  Never know, right?  Those journals may sit in a trunk or burn in a fire.  Who knows?  They're cool.  They'll be artifacts.  But I need a more efficient way to get words down, and since that's something I have access to, it's silly not to use it.

I get a lot more done when I sit at a keyboard and start pecking away at the buttons, making words pop up one after another almost as quickly as I'm thinking them.  Ok - not that fast, but close.  One thing that's fun to do is to speak a sentence in class while I'm typing in a Word document they can see being projected on the wall.  They'll start saying things like "Whoa that's fast" and I'll just start quoting them as they're speaking.  Hahahaha!  It's awesome.  Freaks 'em out.

So this turned into a stream of consciousness-esque ramble blog where I am figuratively sticking my head out from behind the curtain to see what it feels like to be on stage again.  It's been a while.  I've been in my little hiding place here in Texas, traveled around the world a couple of times, and now it's time to get back to doing that thing I like to do with words.  I am hoping that by bringing my blog back to life, I'll be able to keep myself motivated to just write SOMETHING every day.  Even if it's a ramble that no one reads but me.  Maybe it'll lead to composing something others WILL read.

Could it be that Inspiration is trying to come hang out with me and my Solitude?  

Seems I might should put another pod in the Keurig... 

Wanted: Spell to Stop Time

My big girls came home from Europe a couple of days ago, and since they've been back, I have felt so ... "weepy".  I know I say this all the time, but it really does seem like yesterday that they were squishy-faced babies with sticky hands and dirty feet.  Now they're beautiful young women who get all my jokes and smell like flowers.  I love being with them so much.  I love their company.  I love sharing time with them.  Only - there's the part of me that always wants to cry because they're not my babies anymore.

My youngest is 10.  My middle is about to be 13, and my oldest is 16.  For those of you out there who have already gone through it, how do you suppress that selfish part of you that keeps wanting to ruin your present because it misses the past?  I never cared much for growing up.  I've always been a Lost Boy when it comes to all that, and I was just fine being a kid as long as possible.  I didn't really admit to being an adult until I had a child of my own, and then another and another.  However, I discovered the loophole in being a parent that allowed me to still enjoy being a kid by immersing myself in their worlds.  Now that they're done with building forts and finger-painting, I'm starting to panic.  I found another gray hair (that was quickly plucked out) and have noticed that my body is starting to feel less "awesome" than it used to.  I can't deny the cruel progression of time and how it has turned my soft little rosebud babies into world-traveling, goal-setting, dream-catching Wonder Women.

I'm more proud of them than I can express, but there's part of me that misses their littleness.  I'm dealing with it ... I'll get over it, I guess, at some point.  But for now, I'm just so thankful that even though they're growing up, they still enjoy piling up like puppies on the couch to watch a good movie just like when they were little.  They still let me kiss their faces in public, and they still like to play with my hair and do my makeup.  In fact - that's a perk - they don't make me look like a hooker anymore!

As long as some things never change, I may be ok.  Maybe they'll stay Lost Boys with me and when it's time, we can share our fun with the next generation of squishy-faced babies.

And the Wheel keeps turning ...

My Inner Dialogue Does a 180

The struggle is real, y'all.  I had so many intentions going into this summer.  However, I've struggled to go so far as to put on pants each much less actually get any projects done.  I feel like I am failing at life right now.

All I want to do is read, write, and game.  That's it.  That's all I want to do.  Well ... that and lightly snack.  Ok ... and occasionally drink.  The point is, nothing I want to do is really all that productive.  There are so many things that NEED to be done that are things that would improve our home, yet I can't get myself motivated enough to do it.

I need to paint in the living room.  I need to clean out and paint the laundry room.  I need to organize the clothes hanging in my closet.  There's no organization and it's starting to drive me nuts!

You know - that's it.  I'm going to start small and work up.  I'm going to make Rooster go into that laundry room with me and do something meaningful.  It's only 2:30 in the afternoon.  We have all kinds of time to start and finish the clean-out part.  We're not HOARDERS for crying it loud - it isn't THAT bad.

Awesome ... see?  I'm starting to feel better.  And now that I think about it ... I'm going to sit here and list the things I've done today - "meaningful" or not.

Took a shower
Took my car to get oil changed
Tidied the kitchen/loaded the dishwasher
Washed/dried one load of laundry
Talked to mom/made weekend plans
Finished Part Two/began Part Three of Fahrenheit 451
Took out trash
Published a blog post

That's not a wasted day!  I feel way better now!  Ok ... off to help my kid with a baking question, then I'm tackling the laundry room!

I'M WONDER WOMAN!

Must ... Write ... Something

The struggle is real, y'all.  I have so many things I wanted to get done this summer, and I'm finding that I'm really having to work hard at not zoning out into my computer games.  PC games are the devil.  They're so seductive and before I know it, I've been staring at a computer screen fighting off imaginary monsters for four hours.  I have wasted so much LIFE on Steam's game hub!

But alas ... we all have our addictions, no?

The point is, I caught myself, logged off, and am now writing.  Nevermind that it's 10:30 at night on a Sunday.  It's summer and I'm a teacher, so this is my time to recharge my soul doing whatever it is I need to do in order to accomplish that, and while gaming is enjoyable, part of that "soul-feeding" includes writing.  I need to start making it a habit to write more.  Seriously.

I'm trying to think of an assignment to give myself.  I don't know if I want to construct a poem, write a research paper or a critical essay.  Maybe a short story?  I DON'T KNOW!  Anyone got any suggestions?  Ideas?  I need a prompt!

Food For Thought

On May 31st, my dude and I decided to embark on the Whole30 Challenge to see if it would help me get my blood sugar under control as I was recently diagnosed as being pre-diabetic.  He didn't have to do it with me, but wanted to show support, and I can't thank him enough.  On the days I was weak, he was strong, and vise versa and it's helped us get "over the hump" so that now we're both committed to changing our lifestyles to eating much cleaner going forward.

To date, I have lost 10 pounds, and all my oral allergies to certain types of nuts, raw vegetables, and all pitted fruits has gone away.  I no longer eat any dairy, nor do I eat any grain-based foods like bread and pasta.  While my husband still enjoys potatoes, I have also cut those from my diet, save the occasional plain sweet potato when we go to the steakhouse (as healthy sides are limited).  I've learned to enjoy a salad with nothing but some vinegar, olive oil and a little salt and pepper. 

Now we didn't impose this on our youngest daughter, as she is still growing and has no symptoms that come from years of bad eating, but I don't cook her unique dinners.  She eats with us.  However, she gets a little shredded cheese on her eggs, still drinks milk, and enjoys lemonade when she's hot.  I have noticed though that she has started paying much more attention to what she eats on a regular basis.  She's been cooking during the day, making treats and such, and is using her own "Eat Like a Dinosaur" cookbook which is a kids' Paleo book, and she's enjoying learning how to cook with healthier ingredients than usual, so I'm super proud.  She is following our example without being made to and it's encouraging to see her becoming so aware of her own nutrition at such a young age. 

The point of this blog is basically to just bring awareness to everyone regarding the importance of clean, healthy eating and how our children benefit from being led by example.  They learn from us - how to live, how to treat others, and how to treat themselves.  If we set a healthy example, and put that expectation on ourselves, then they'll do the same.  Everyone benefits.

Food for thought.  :)

News from 'Nam

I'm excited to share that I got news from the sponsor regarding my daughter's group in Vietnam!




Turns out they flew to Saigon and got to visit the Mekong Delta.  There they went mud fishing, enjoyed some yummy food, and even got to see a floating market.  I had to Google that - super cool stuff!  They then went to a Vietnamese orphanage and interacted with the children there.  They sang songs, played soccer, and other games with them.  Knowing my girl the way I do, I'm sure that was probably her favorite part.  Although I don't doubt she was a little sad to have to leave them there.  They'll be there until Sunday - by which time I'm sure she'll have grown quite attached!


I can't wait to get another update, which I'll totally share as soon as I get it.  I'm so proud and excited for her!  She's been anticipating this trip for quite some time now and it's cool to see that she's finally getting to experience it.  Her life is so cool.


As a mother, you always want better for your kids than what you had, and I feel like despite the fact that she and her sister have been raised by two parents who live on opposite sides of the planet, their lives have been pretty fabulous.  I carried a lot of guilt around for many years over the fact that her dad and I didn't last, and that they've had to spend their childhoods missing one of us, but through many conversations with them - and their father - I've come to embrace that we made the best of the situation and in some ways, they've been able to live pretty interesting lives as a result.


Now my daughter is living in Switzerland, going to an international high school, and at this moment, is learning about Vietnam first hand.  How cool is that?!  I love hearing about her adventures.  Maybe one of these days, I'll help her write her memoirs.  I'm sure I'm not he only one who'd enjoy reading about her travels and experiences, living vicariously through her.

If You Can't Say Something Nice ...

There has been so much going on lately that makes me want to rant, I feel like I can't talk at all anymore because I don't want to feed into the negativity.  Between this current joke of a presidential race that's going on, the things that have been happening in Florida this past week (when it rains it pours in Orlando!), and all the hate flying around all the time, I'm exhausted.  I try to avoid it altogether, but it's nearly impossible.


To make matters worse, I'm teaching summer school in the district I teach in (which thankfully is not the one my children go to), and the culture in this district is so self-destructive and self-inhibiting, it's a wonder the kids have gotten as far as junior high.  I've only been teaching one year, but I'm already fighting being discouraged.  It's all just SO different from how I was raised.  I look back and feel like a total slacker because I'm just now starting my career - and I still maintained A's and B's all through school!  We have TONS of kids who fail multiple classes and it's as if they don't even care.  I don't get it!


So every day, I am finding myself going home with my shoulders slumped, eagerly crawling onto my couch to disappear into some computer game or another episode of Game of Thrones (I'm playing catch up as I only just started watching it).  I wish I had access to the Goblin King who could just take me away to some fancy masquerade ball in the clouds, and all this reality would fall away.  It's too heavy and dark.


Or maybe I just need to change my perspective.  I need to try harder to "raise my vibration" and be the change I want to see, I guess.  It's just really difficult to maintain that day after day when it feels like everything else is fighting against it.

My Return to Writing

So I've decided to resume writing this blog, even if no one is reading it.  Why?  Because I need to write!  I have a journal, but I never carry it with me and frankly, I don't write as much when I'm handwriting because I'm lazy.  There it is.  That's why I don't write more.


But typing?  I'm a whiz at typing.  I type way faster than I write and it's easier to read!  Now I have to pick something to write about.  I'll start with something I think about all the time - my daughters.


It's been a while since I really sat down and put to paper how crazy in love I am with being a mother - and especially to the incredibly awesome daughters I have.  All three of them are so strong and unique and capable of ruling the world.  I can't take credit because I honestly don't know what I'm doing when it comes to "adulting", but somehow they've managed to all be very interesting people with lots of promise in their futures.  All three of them are A students.  All three of them love to read.  All three of them have dreams and goals and actually have plans as to how they're going to get there.  It's insane!


Right this minute, my oldest daughter is in Vietnam with her international school on a world service project.  Seriously!  She got there yesterday and the group has a blog of their own set up, but they've only posted one thing and it was that they were at the gate at the airport.  I don't care!  What's going on in Nam??!!  I can't wait for her to come home so I can hear all about what her adventure was like.  She's such a cool kid.  She's an example to everyone around her when it comes to self discipline, working hard and how to be a loving person.  She's not perfect - she's also a teenager who's still learning how life works, but she's a very "put together" teenager who has accomplished much more in he 16 years than I had at that age!


My middle daughter is coming into her own when it comes to her grades and time management.  She's like her mother when it comes to having the "lazy bone" and doesn't like early mornings or things that are difficult - but this past school year, she really hopped to and got it done.  She managed straight A's throughout the school year while also participating in several extra-curricular activities including gymnastics, track and cross-country.  She also worked really hard in theatre, which is something I think she's going to stick with when she gets to Europe for high school.


Then there's my youngest and she's just as Alpha as the first one.  Today, she's actually going to setting up a lemonade stand with a friend of hers, and they're going to sell lemonade and water bottles by the neighborhood pool.  She's been planning this since before school let out and used all her own money for the start-up costs.  She loves math, so this was right up her alley.  Only ten years old and already she's starting up her first business!  I can't wait to see how it goes for them this afternoon.  If she sells all her inventory, she'll have made almost $50.  Not bad scratch for a soon-to-be fifth grader!


That's all I have for now.  I look forward to getting back into the habit of writing a little bit every day.  I'm trying to get in the right mindset for when I start back on my book I started last year, but was unable to finish due to my shift in career choices.  I've been reading more and more now, and it's spurring me on to want to write again.  I hope to gain more followers on here as time goes on.  Feel free to leave questions you might have in the comments, and I'll answer them.  It'll give me  more to write about!

*GC*

Cards on the Brain

Most of you know I'm a tarot card collector.  I enjoy reading, but above all else, I'm a collector.  I realized something today regarding my decks that sort of made me laugh ... and think.  I happen to be a big fan of things that make me both laugh and think, so I thought maybe some of you would, too.

I realized today that my feelings about certain decks are very much tied to different states of mind or aspects of my personality that they appeal to.  I guess I so often hear the phrase "being in tune with" your tarot decks and I never tied it back to that connection most people have to all sorts of meaningful inanimate objects in our lives.  People get very attached to certain things for various reasons such as a 'charm' from someone who made it through a war and back.  When I am going through and looking at my decks, each one influences or stimulates a different vibe in my brain.

I noticed it when I got my new Zombie Tarot.  It's a very tongue in cheek deck and I love the sense of humor of the creator.  It's the part of me that giggles and nudges the person next to me to join in.  I guess of known on a certain level that  I have this type of connection with my decks, but I never committed any structured thought to it.  Now I'm sitting here pondering it and I feel like a little light bulb just stuttered and then lit up over my head!

For someone like me who has multiple decks, when reading for ourselves, our deck choice depends on our mood at the time.  I have dark, shadowy decks and silly, whimsical decks.  I have traditional, reproduction decks and I have themed decks for when I may just be in an "Alice" mood.  My Zombie Tarot will definitely be for when I'm feeling silly ... and maybe a little mischievous.

I'd love to see my brain under a brain scan when I'm going through my decks.  I'd just like to see in what ways it effects the energy flow in there.  It's fascinating to me how colors, shapes and symbols influence our emotions, our thought patterns and our perspective on things.  In truth, that's what makes tarot work ... those connections.

Here is where I would love to see the science on this.  Sadly I'm not a neuro-anything, so I have no idea how to even approach that study.  I hypothesize that when we lay down cards with the intention of understanding reality more clearly, our unconscious mind focuses on what we need to see with our conscious mind, enabling us to see beyond or in a more all-encompassing manner.  There could be any number of combinations out there on the table, but the message - that "thing" we're supposed to be getting insight for - is going to be the same.  The cards are a tool to tie the part of our brain we know about to the part of our brain that we don't.

I feel like I'm sucking the mysterious hoodoo-ness out of tarot, but this is my blog, so I write what I want.  It always goes back to science for me and while I know not everything in the universe is explainable yet, I don't think that means it will stay that way.  We are always discovering new things and disproving old thought systems.  I love tarot because of it's (in my opinion) inexplicable ability to work the way I believe it does.  I think there's definitely something metaphysical going on there, and I think it's worthy of some looking into.

Ok ... geek out ending ... now.

Nom Nom Nom

I promised I'd write again about the food, so there we go!

I love Swiss food.  My figure hates Swiss food.  I went thinking I might shed a few pounds as I knew there would be copious amounts of walking (which there was).  I was mistaken.  I failed to factor in the cuisine that I would be enjoying while visiting the Land of Chocolate and Cheese and managed to come home with a "Swiss inch" added to my waistline.  It's all good ... I'm on it, but oh MAN ... the food is KILLA!

My first food experience in Switzerland involved regular groceries, so let's start there.  Naturally, the prices were higher than I'm used to, but I expected as much.  The grocery stores there are pretty similar to ours here, except for a few things:

Eggs - They're on the shelf!  They don't store their eggs in cold storage there.  And they come in packages of 10, not by the dozen like ours.

Milk - Ok ... wt..?!  There was some milk in cold storage, but it seemed that the standard was the milk stored on the SHELF.  On the shelf?!  It just doesn't seem right.  I'm a serious dairy lover, so for me, that was mildly traumatizing.

Pancake Mix - This can be tricky to find.

Oraginc = "Bio" ... if you want the 'good stuff', look for "bio" on the label and be prepared for about the same rate of inflation on the price, if not more.

Water - Beware the carbonated water!  The packaging looks like everything else and it's in greater abundance, it seems, than the regular water.  I discovered the prevalence of "gasse" in the "wasser" the hard way.  I bought a 6-pack of what I assumed was harmless, bottled water as I know and love it.  My heart dropped, however, when I cracked it open and heard the spritz escape.  My face contorted when I took that first ice cold gulp (which I had been anticipating before; dreading at this point) and BAM!  Sharp, spikey little fizz bubbles stabbing into the soft, thirsty flesh in the back of my throat leaving a HORRIBLE off-kilter taste that left me feeling very disappointed.  Be sure to look for/order water with "no gas".

Bacon = Good luck with that.  It's not the same as it is here.  It's just not.

Mayonnaise & Ketchup = Came in a tube.  I swear it looked like space food.  The packaging is actually a great idea because it's much easier to get it all out, but as an American with no experience outside my own country, where mayo comes in upside-down bottles.  Which now that I think about it, is much stranger than tubes.

So the grocery stores were pretty interesting.  There are two big ones there - Migros and CoOp.  It's like comparing Kroger to HEB, I guess.  Except that I never found the "crunchy section".  They don't really have those there.

In Zurich, we ate at a couple of different places.  I discovered quickly that my favorite Swiss dish is something called "rosti".  It's basically a big salad plate sized hash brown covered in perfectly melty cheeses and various other toppings.  I had it twice.  Once was what seemed like a handmade hash brown covered in bacon and cheese.  The second one was at a smaller cafe-type place and the hash brown seemed pre-made (possibly frozen at one point) but also had delicious cheeses melted on it over fat slices of tomato.  They were both delicious - but I preferred the hand-made one.

One day we went to Lucerne and happened upon a WONDERFUL little kiosk (Dock 14) where they had a local beer, Eichof, that was DELISH!  They were the most reasonably priced foods I'd come across since visiting Switzerland, so I was excited to see what they had to offer.  And they came through!  Hot dogs for the girls and a tasty little Greek salad for me.  They also had a yummy fruit soda for the girls and of course, I enjoyed that Swiss craft beer.

You can't go to Switzerland without having fondue!  My ex and his wife took us all to dinner one evening at a fondue restaurant in Zurich and it was quite an experience.  I love fondue, but I have to say - it's important to eat lots of produce either before or after that meal as it has a way of really slowing down certain processes.  That shizz is HEAVY in the guts!  I totally plan on eating that again some day though ... fo' sho'.

Beverages were interesting.  Apple soda seems to be a "thing" there - perhaps somewhat like what apple ales are here, but alcohol free.  Nothing is served with ice unless you ask for it.  Water is not complimentary.  You have to pay for water and in restaurants, it was typically served chilled in a glass bottle ... "mineral water".  That was crazy!  You couldn't just get a glass of ice water from the "tap".  I saw breath-taking spring waterfalls pouring forth from the mountains and I'm looking at them thinking, "can't y'all just tap that stuff right there and BAGOOSH ... free water?!"

Vending machines were also a trip.  They were at all the train stations and most of them were all the same.  The first or second day I was there, I noticed one drink that was in an orange container and stuck out from all the others - but more so for the big, green pot leaf on it than for the obnoxious color.  I was like, "no way"!  Cannibis tea.  No shizzle.  I had to buy it.  I put my 2.5CHF in the machine and voila!  It even had a label I could read!  Who knew?!  Black tea, lemon flavoring and hemp flavoring.  Of course.  It tasted like Lipton with Lemon and didn't mellow me out at all.  What a let down.  :(  However, it was still entertaining to see the birth control test on the shelf above the tea, flanked by a pack of cheap cigarettes and some jerky treats referred to simply as "Party Sticks".  You can find all kinds of crazy things in a Swiss vending machine!

And of course, last but not least, was the CHOCOLATE!  Ermagerd the chocolate.  We found the Sprungli shop down in the Zurich train station tunnels that was like stepping into Wonka's pretty little gift shop.  They have these French macarons, Luxemburgerli, that we just couldn't get enough of.  I had them three times during my visit, but the most eaten in a sitting was like 5 or 6 of these things one night when we had my middle daughter's going home dinner.  It was the night before we left and my ex brought home a huge box full of them that we passed around and around the table, each time each person taking just one out.  He got a little bit of everything ... and they were ALL divine!  My oldest is working to perfect making these (which is REALLY HARD)  and I can't wait for her to figure it out because they're EXPENSIVE to buy!  But so worth every single rappen.

So that's my food experience in a nutshell, so to speak.  I am a huge fan of Swiss food and loved the challenge of figuring out/discovering the grocery stores.  I'm a bit of a grocery store geek and I guess I've been a mom for so long, there's something about the prospect of exploring a new grocery store that is incredibly entertaining for me.  I don't know ... call me crazy.  Everyone else does.

Little Boxes on a Hillside ...

I always think of that song when I reflect on my visit to Switzerland.

So it's the post you've all been waiting for, I know.  There are so many funny things I noticed when I was in Switzerland, I'm honestly not sure where to start.  So I guess I'll do my best to do this in order.

I arrived at the airport around mid-day and my ex-husband and oldest daughter met me and my youngest there.  We took our luggage to the car and I noticed immediately when entering the parking garage that I seemed to have fallen into the pages of a certain Jonathan Swift novel.  I could have sworn that there must have been a sticker on the chassis of every single car that said, "Made in Lilliput".  There were no trucks at all and very few "family" vehicles.  It was mostly SmartCars and small sporty looking rigs.  I was tempted to try to pull one backwards just to see if it would shoot forward - like a toy.  It was fascinating!  I never thought of my own car as a land yacht (Dodge Charger) but it turns out, I'm driving a gigantic whale of a car by European standards.

Next came the roads.  Upon leaving the airport, things were pretty standard.  Turns out only the English drive on the wrong side of the road, but the color-coding with the stripes is different there.  I felt like we were going the wrong way on a one way road at first.  That was a little stressful ... or so I thought.  Once we got to the village my ex and his family lived in, my hands were gripping my seat for dear life.  Not only because my ex-husband drives like he's on fire, but because the roads are SO SMALL.  Now I tried to keep in mind that I was in a physics defying machine that from the outside looked incredibly small, but from the inside seemed to be quite adequate, but we're talking glorified sidewalks here.  In fact, people commonly part their cars halfway on the sidewalk.  There are SIGNS showing people how to park with a wheel up on the sidewalk!  I'm thinking, as small as the roads were, SCREW THE SIDEWALK ... just get your go-cart out of the street, kids!  That was kind of cool yet scary.

When I arrived at their house, I was expecting this mansion.  The girls always talked about how they lived on the "third floor".  Turns out, the house they lived in - which was a pretty standard type of house in that area - is built straight up and down.  Now don't get me wrong - it's still a big house considering the world I have entered into.  I am still on the watch for members of the Lollipop Guild.  Everything in Switzerland seems smaller than average.  But then again, I'm a greedy American with a giant car, so my perception is clearly off.  There are in total, FOUR floors.  Starting from the bottom, there is a basement made up of the laundry room, a wine cellar and a storage room - all pretty small.  The second, or Main Floor, is where you enter the house and it consists of a foyer, the kitchen, the dining room and the living room - again all pretty modest in size.  The third floor is the family bedrooms, of which there were three as well as a shared bathroom in the hallway.  Finally the top floor, or Attic, has another bedroom (now my oldest daughter's), a bathroom and a common area where there are two spare beds - used by my middle daughter and the au pair (or whatever guests might come visit).  The home accommodates several people, but only if those people are capable of climbing copious amounts of stairs.

Appliances.  Now I need to preface this a little late by saying that this is the ONLY house I was in while visiting Switzerland, so this could be a singular experience, but I doubt it.  I would love feedback from someone else who's been there to add to this.  However, knowing my ex-husband and the fact that he was also raised in Texas where everything is bigger, I would think that if larger models were available, he'd have opted for those.  All of their appliances are small.  SHOCKER!  I know ... at this point you totally didn't see that coming, right?  The fridge is not much bigger than the one we keep our beer in.  There are 5, now 6, people in that family and they have to work out of a fridge with no ice maker and very limited space.  I realized quickly that they grocery shop regularly and I also noticed that they don't eat a whole lot of fresh produce.  When I go grocery shopping here in the States, I load up.  My veggie drawer alone gets filled to capacity not counting the mushrooms, tomatoes, and usually romaine lettuce that doesn't make it into the crisper drawer until about 3 days later (if it's not already been consumed).  This can't happen there.  It's the same with the washer and dryer.  I had to wash clothes while I was there and was baffled at how my ex's wife stays on top of the laundry.  I swear that poor woman has to do twice as many loads as I do because you can only fit like two pairs of jeans, three shirts and a pair and a half of socks in there.  Gotta do sheets?  Hope you have all day because you can only wash about a sheet and a pillow case in there at one time.  Maybe a washrag if  you're feeling brave.  Now they did have a trunk freezer in the storage room, as well as another cupboard, so that's where they stashed most of their extra food, but I'm still trying to work out the produce situation.  Good thing there's a store right up the road from their house.

The last thing that I noticed quickly upon arriving in Switzerland (really Europe in general) is the money.  They love their coins.  After less than 24 hours in the country, I sound like Captain Jack Sparrow himself after a successful heist.  I can't even tell you how many times I sat down to use the facilities only to watch as my financial resources spilled forth from my pockets, clinking and clanking all around my feet.  They don't give you "notes" until you get up to 10CHF.  That was discouraging as I rarely had that much at one time in my pocket.  The only thing BIG about Switzerland is the price tags on stuff.  So I quickly broke the 50s, 20s and 10s that I managed to scare up.  Those went quick.  Then I was left with 3 pounds of change that I would later put into a vending machine for a drink I didn't really want that much, just to speed up my gait so I could get up the hill from the train station.

Aaaah ... the trains.  I'll save that for another post ... ;-)

Family is Everything

As many of you know, I recently went to Switzerland to help Goo get adjusted and settled into her new life there with her dad and step-mom.  I don't even know where to start with how this trip influenced me.  It wasn't just a vacation - it was an experience.  I went there expecting to just see how she was going to live and help her set up her room.  It was so much more than that!

First of all, the only reason I was able to do this is because my ex-husband and his wife invited me to stay in their home for two weeks.  That alone is pretty mind-blowing when you think about it.  Not many divorced parents are willing or able to do that kind of thing for their kids.  Everyone has a different situation, so I'm very aware of how rare that kind of thing is.  I'm extremely grateful and infinitely appreciative of the fact that they were generous enough to do that, if not for me, but for Goo and her sisters.

I got there expecting to stay under the radar ... not "get in the way too much".  I wasn't sure how the dynamic in the house would be, so I was planning on staying up in Goo's part of the house and just make the most of my time with her and the girls.  As a group, we've been around each other a few times, but never long term like this.  I didn't know what they were expecting of me and wasn't sure how their kids would respond to me being there.  I was  happy to discover that it felt oddly relaxed and dare I say comfortable?!  It's like it's weird that it wasn't more weird.  Is that weird?  We were like one big team, watching after the kids and keeping the house in order (6 kids ranging in age from 2 to 14 is a lot in one traditional-style Swiss home).  I got to know the au pair they hire every summer that the girls always rave about when they come home.  She was everything the girls said she was.  Extremely sweet, cutest French accent you've ever heard and truly awesome with the kids.

I've always maintained a friendship with my ex because he's a good man and a loving father.  But after staying there this summer, I was able to get to know his wife in a whole new way and that was extremely healing for me.  She's gone above and beyond to prove to me (not that I was expecting her to go beyond just being nice to them when they're with her) that she genuinely cares for them - enough so she's willing to open her home up to her husband's previous wife!  That's big to me.  And while I was there, she not only was polite, but we actually had some good "mom" conversations about what it's going to be like with Goo there and keeping up with her school functions.  It was fun getting to know her and it made me feel good to feel that she seemed more interested in my emotional well-being than I had assumed she was.  I can honestly say that I feel like we're friends after this and my mind is very at ease knowing that she's doing the "mom stuff" for Goo in my absence.

I had a blast with their kids.  They're little and cute and fun and I enjoyed playing with them.  Listening to them speak in various languages within a matter of minutes was pretty entertaining as well!  I have to admit, I don't miss that phase of life when it comes to the crying and the diapers and the "getting into everything".  But looking at those sweet faces - faces that I can see in my own children - made me feel very comfortable.  Now that I look back, ironically, I think their similarities to Goo and Baloo helped me relax around them and I was able to enjoy playing and laughing with them - which I need to do if I'm going to be able to chill and enjoy myself around someone else's kids.

I think that was probably the most significant thing I got out of this trip.  I feel like I can honestly say that my children likely don't feel the separation in their family the way a lot of kids do.  Roo got to enjoy playing with everyone - it was like she inherited cousins that she can now look forward to seeing and playing with in the future.  It was a win for all the kids.  My two older girls have a big, spread out family that spans the Western world and when we're geographically near each other, we can enjoy each other's company.  How awesome is that?!

Of all the things I saw and did in Switzerland, I have to say that I didn't anticipate the healing, mending experience that it turned out to be.  I hope that it's not the last time we all get together and share time like that.  If it is, I have some wonderful memories and I'm pretty sure the kids did, too.  More on the funny parts of my time in Switzerland to come ... but I had to start with the deep thoughts.  They were too important to hold back on.

Family is everything people.  And there's no one "layout" ...

What's My Motivation?

The reason I'm starting this blog up again is basically because my posts on Facebook are just getting to be too damn long.  I have too much to say.  There is too much going on up in this little melon of mine and for some reason, it makes me feel better to share.  And for some reason, a few of you seem to enjoy reading my rambles, so I figure this is kind of a win/win situation ... right?  Right.

So let's get to it.  Why so much going on?  It's simple.  At the tender age of 14, my oldest daughter is moving away.  It's basically ripping my heart out, but at the same time, the whole point of being a mother (in my opinion) is to raise your children to be the very best versions of themselves that they can possibly be.  I'm learning that sometimes, that means we have to let them fly away to chase after their dreams and seize the opportunities that life throws at them.  In our case, my baby girl Goo is moving to Switzerland to attend school at an international school.  And before you gasp in horror at the thought of me "sending her away to a boarding school in Switzerland" (I always hear Joanna Barnes hissing that line from The Parent Trap when I say that), hear me out.  Her father lives there with his wife and their children.  He told her years ago that if she wanted to go to school there, he'd make it happen for her.  The choice was and always has been completely hers to make.  She's gone through an emotional roller coaster that would shame most teenagers' most insane rides, but she's assured me that she's not looking back and knows this is right for her.

So the time has come.  The clock is striking midnight and it's time to leave the tea party.  Her sisters and I are going to keep the light on for here down in Texas for when she comes home to visit.  I wrote a Facebook post a while back that pretty much sums up what I'm trying to write here, so I'm going to do to ol' Copy/Paste thing and share it below.  Originally posted on my Facebook page on June 19th, 2014.

I want to share my perspective on the upcoming move that my oldest is about to embark on. I have gotten some very sweet texts, messages and phone calls regarding my emotional state and how I'm coping. I just want you all to know that I really am at peace with all of this. 

I am so incredibly proud of who she has already become at just 14. Being a mother has been the single most awesome thing that has ever happened to me, and despite some slips and scrapes along the way, the fact that she has been able to make this choice, despite the pain associated with leaving her home and her friends, with confidence and resolution makes me feel like I got this one right.

I've done a lot of questionable things in my life. I've left many projects unfinished. I don't take a lot of things very seriously, but when it comes to being the mother my girls deserve, I don't mess around.

Besides that, she's not going to a boarding school. She's going to live with her Daddy. She has spent most of her life missing him and now is their time. I got her for the major part of the last 10 years. It's his turn to enjoy having her in his home for at least the next 4 - if not more. She's a blessing and he's a big part of who she is. It's right that he be given the gift of seeing her face each morning.

I'm going to cry. A lot. So will she. So will her sisters. But we're all warriors and our souls speak to each other in a way only we understand. We are a Tribe. We'll be fine. No amount of time or distance will ever change that and if I do my job right, one day they'll all be out in the world, spreading their wings, being awesome and changing the lives of others just as they've changed mine.

So don't worry about us. We're not being torn apart. We're simply spreading out. I'm too full of happiness for her and her upcoming adventure to focus on what's changing in my own life.

Caterpillars don't mourn their cocoons. They celebrate their ability to fly. And her wings are going to ROCK! 

Clean Cup, Clean Cup, Move Down, MOVE DOWN!

Welcome to the madness!  It's been a long time since I posted a blog and recently it's been requested of me to start writing again.  So much has happened in my life since I quit roller derby and started eating clean and shifted my focus back onto my home life, I'm not even going to try to recap.  It's in the past.  It's been interesting.  And now we're going to start here ... at the New Beginning because the Old Beginning is too hard to remember.  Plus, it's over now.  Old news.  NEXT!

A couple years ago, I posted a Facebook update that when I hit "Post", I realized I had encompassed the life I share with my daughters in one sentence. That is where the title of this blog came from.  We're all mad here!  Hahahaha!  And we NEVER want that to change.

So follow me into my future as I share my thoughts on being a mom, being a wife-type thing to Loverboy and on other things I love dearly like my dog (Chiquee) and my car (Charleigh).  Yes, my car has a name ... don't judge.  I'll try to keep the rants to a minimum as no one likes a bitchy blogger and I believe very strongly in manifestation, so I am constantly working at trying to focus on the Positive because that's all I'm really interested in bringing into my life.  So far, it seems to be working!  I'm in Switzerland as I type this ... and I'll be sharing that as well!

Feels good to be back.  :-)