I. Can't. Even.

 Ahhhhh ... 2020.  You bitch.

There are so many things I have under-written and not written at all during my way too long hiatus (a.k.a. yet another failed attempt at routine), and I am not even sure I can muster the energy to go back and relive those feelings and memories in one or even six sittings right now.  However, I haven't suffered alone despite literally being isolated for much of it.  The Solitude I feared so much has become a friend I never intended to have - but one I have come to realize I missed from my youth.  I need Solitude even though I don't always want it.  Silly Solitude.

I have been wanting so badly to start writing again, but I haven't known how to start.  I want to make time to read other people's thoughts and maybe look up some old favorites on here.  I have got to carve myself out some personal time that includes written expression - both creating and taking in of others like myself (and some not so much).  The problem is, I like writing and not just typing ... like physically.  I like writing by hand in my journal.  The other problem is, I'm also bad about writing in there.  But it is good for the really personal thoughts that aren't for public eyes.  A little mystery makes people interesting.  That being said, I at least need to write in some form about a broad range of things and not just one tiny aspect of my life here and there.  The conversations I have with people DAILY has me wishing I were recording because my life is pretty damned entertaining at times!  I have been reading more lately though, so I have been putting aside time ... I'll just have to start splitting that time with writing, I suppose.  Meh ... 

So I'm going to try to start writing ... again.  I have so many things to share that I have read and experienced and learned this past couple of years, and I feel like I need to get all my thoughts down so I can look at them from a distance and make sense of them.  Things get so jumbled when they collect for too long up in the brain.  I have to spill everything out on a table, so to speak, and sort them out once in a while to keep from feeling overstimulated.  I require resolution.  It's time for me to tie up some issues and address some others, and it's going to be a lot easier if I can make an effort to gradually go through the "junk drawer" in my mind.

I type way faster than I write, so when my brain is spinning like it is today, typing it out isn't near as far behind my hands as when I'm trying to write it all down in a way that looks good for whoever might read it a hundred years from now.  Never know, right?  Those journals may sit in a trunk or burn in a fire.  Who knows?  They're cool.  They'll be artifacts.  But I need a more efficient way to get words down, and since that's something I have access to, it's silly not to use it.

I get a lot more done when I sit at a keyboard and start pecking away at the buttons, making words pop up one after another almost as quickly as I'm thinking them.  Ok - not that fast, but close.  One thing that's fun to do is to speak a sentence in class while I'm typing in a Word document they can see being projected on the wall.  They'll start saying things like "Whoa that's fast" and I'll just start quoting them as they're speaking.  Hahahaha!  It's awesome.  Freaks 'em out.

So this turned into a stream of consciousness-esque ramble blog where I am figuratively sticking my head out from behind the curtain to see what it feels like to be on stage again.  It's been a while.  I've been in my little hiding place here in Texas, traveled around the world a couple of times, and now it's time to get back to doing that thing I like to do with words.  I am hoping that by bringing my blog back to life, I'll be able to keep myself motivated to just write SOMETHING every day.  Even if it's a ramble that no one reads but me.  Maybe it'll lead to composing something others WILL read.

Could it be that Inspiration is trying to come hang out with me and my Solitude?  

Seems I might should put another pod in the Keurig... 

Wanted: Spell to Stop Time

My big girls came home from Europe a couple of days ago, and since they've been back, I have felt so ... "weepy".  I know I say this all the time, but it really does seem like yesterday that they were squishy-faced babies with sticky hands and dirty feet.  Now they're beautiful young women who get all my jokes and smell like flowers.  I love being with them so much.  I love their company.  I love sharing time with them.  Only - there's the part of me that always wants to cry because they're not my babies anymore.

My youngest is 10.  My middle is about to be 13, and my oldest is 16.  For those of you out there who have already gone through it, how do you suppress that selfish part of you that keeps wanting to ruin your present because it misses the past?  I never cared much for growing up.  I've always been a Lost Boy when it comes to all that, and I was just fine being a kid as long as possible.  I didn't really admit to being an adult until I had a child of my own, and then another and another.  However, I discovered the loophole in being a parent that allowed me to still enjoy being a kid by immersing myself in their worlds.  Now that they're done with building forts and finger-painting, I'm starting to panic.  I found another gray hair (that was quickly plucked out) and have noticed that my body is starting to feel less "awesome" than it used to.  I can't deny the cruel progression of time and how it has turned my soft little rosebud babies into world-traveling, goal-setting, dream-catching Wonder Women.

I'm more proud of them than I can express, but there's part of me that misses their littleness.  I'm dealing with it ... I'll get over it, I guess, at some point.  But for now, I'm just so thankful that even though they're growing up, they still enjoy piling up like puppies on the couch to watch a good movie just like when they were little.  They still let me kiss their faces in public, and they still like to play with my hair and do my makeup.  In fact - that's a perk - they don't make me look like a hooker anymore!

As long as some things never change, I may be ok.  Maybe they'll stay Lost Boys with me and when it's time, we can share our fun with the next generation of squishy-faced babies.

And the Wheel keeps turning ...

My Inner Dialogue Does a 180

The struggle is real, y'all.  I had so many intentions going into this summer.  However, I've struggled to go so far as to put on pants each much less actually get any projects done.  I feel like I am failing at life right now.

All I want to do is read, write, and game.  That's it.  That's all I want to do.  Well ... that and lightly snack.  Ok ... and occasionally drink.  The point is, nothing I want to do is really all that productive.  There are so many things that NEED to be done that are things that would improve our home, yet I can't get myself motivated enough to do it.

I need to paint in the living room.  I need to clean out and paint the laundry room.  I need to organize the clothes hanging in my closet.  There's no organization and it's starting to drive me nuts!

You know - that's it.  I'm going to start small and work up.  I'm going to make Rooster go into that laundry room with me and do something meaningful.  It's only 2:30 in the afternoon.  We have all kinds of time to start and finish the clean-out part.  We're not HOARDERS for crying it loud - it isn't THAT bad.

Awesome ... see?  I'm starting to feel better.  And now that I think about it ... I'm going to sit here and list the things I've done today - "meaningful" or not.

Took a shower
Took my car to get oil changed
Tidied the kitchen/loaded the dishwasher
Washed/dried one load of laundry
Talked to mom/made weekend plans
Finished Part Two/began Part Three of Fahrenheit 451
Took out trash
Published a blog post

That's not a wasted day!  I feel way better now!  Ok ... off to help my kid with a baking question, then I'm tackling the laundry room!

I'M WONDER WOMAN!

Must ... Write ... Something

The struggle is real, y'all.  I have so many things I wanted to get done this summer, and I'm finding that I'm really having to work hard at not zoning out into my computer games.  PC games are the devil.  They're so seductive and before I know it, I've been staring at a computer screen fighting off imaginary monsters for four hours.  I have wasted so much LIFE on Steam's game hub!

But alas ... we all have our addictions, no?

The point is, I caught myself, logged off, and am now writing.  Nevermind that it's 10:30 at night on a Sunday.  It's summer and I'm a teacher, so this is my time to recharge my soul doing whatever it is I need to do in order to accomplish that, and while gaming is enjoyable, part of that "soul-feeding" includes writing.  I need to start making it a habit to write more.  Seriously.

I'm trying to think of an assignment to give myself.  I don't know if I want to construct a poem, write a research paper or a critical essay.  Maybe a short story?  I DON'T KNOW!  Anyone got any suggestions?  Ideas?  I need a prompt!

Food For Thought

On May 31st, my dude and I decided to embark on the Whole30 Challenge to see if it would help me get my blood sugar under control as I was recently diagnosed as being pre-diabetic.  He didn't have to do it with me, but wanted to show support, and I can't thank him enough.  On the days I was weak, he was strong, and vise versa and it's helped us get "over the hump" so that now we're both committed to changing our lifestyles to eating much cleaner going forward.

To date, I have lost 10 pounds, and all my oral allergies to certain types of nuts, raw vegetables, and all pitted fruits has gone away.  I no longer eat any dairy, nor do I eat any grain-based foods like bread and pasta.  While my husband still enjoys potatoes, I have also cut those from my diet, save the occasional plain sweet potato when we go to the steakhouse (as healthy sides are limited).  I've learned to enjoy a salad with nothing but some vinegar, olive oil and a little salt and pepper. 

Now we didn't impose this on our youngest daughter, as she is still growing and has no symptoms that come from years of bad eating, but I don't cook her unique dinners.  She eats with us.  However, she gets a little shredded cheese on her eggs, still drinks milk, and enjoys lemonade when she's hot.  I have noticed though that she has started paying much more attention to what she eats on a regular basis.  She's been cooking during the day, making treats and such, and is using her own "Eat Like a Dinosaur" cookbook which is a kids' Paleo book, and she's enjoying learning how to cook with healthier ingredients than usual, so I'm super proud.  She is following our example without being made to and it's encouraging to see her becoming so aware of her own nutrition at such a young age. 

The point of this blog is basically to just bring awareness to everyone regarding the importance of clean, healthy eating and how our children benefit from being led by example.  They learn from us - how to live, how to treat others, and how to treat themselves.  If we set a healthy example, and put that expectation on ourselves, then they'll do the same.  Everyone benefits.

Food for thought.  :)

News from 'Nam

I'm excited to share that I got news from the sponsor regarding my daughter's group in Vietnam!




Turns out they flew to Saigon and got to visit the Mekong Delta.  There they went mud fishing, enjoyed some yummy food, and even got to see a floating market.  I had to Google that - super cool stuff!  They then went to a Vietnamese orphanage and interacted with the children there.  They sang songs, played soccer, and other games with them.  Knowing my girl the way I do, I'm sure that was probably her favorite part.  Although I don't doubt she was a little sad to have to leave them there.  They'll be there until Sunday - by which time I'm sure she'll have grown quite attached!


I can't wait to get another update, which I'll totally share as soon as I get it.  I'm so proud and excited for her!  She's been anticipating this trip for quite some time now and it's cool to see that she's finally getting to experience it.  Her life is so cool.


As a mother, you always want better for your kids than what you had, and I feel like despite the fact that she and her sister have been raised by two parents who live on opposite sides of the planet, their lives have been pretty fabulous.  I carried a lot of guilt around for many years over the fact that her dad and I didn't last, and that they've had to spend their childhoods missing one of us, but through many conversations with them - and their father - I've come to embrace that we made the best of the situation and in some ways, they've been able to live pretty interesting lives as a result.


Now my daughter is living in Switzerland, going to an international high school, and at this moment, is learning about Vietnam first hand.  How cool is that?!  I love hearing about her adventures.  Maybe one of these days, I'll help her write her memoirs.  I'm sure I'm not he only one who'd enjoy reading about her travels and experiences, living vicariously through her.

If You Can't Say Something Nice ...

There has been so much going on lately that makes me want to rant, I feel like I can't talk at all anymore because I don't want to feed into the negativity.  Between this current joke of a presidential race that's going on, the things that have been happening in Florida this past week (when it rains it pours in Orlando!), and all the hate flying around all the time, I'm exhausted.  I try to avoid it altogether, but it's nearly impossible.


To make matters worse, I'm teaching summer school in the district I teach in (which thankfully is not the one my children go to), and the culture in this district is so self-destructive and self-inhibiting, it's a wonder the kids have gotten as far as junior high.  I've only been teaching one year, but I'm already fighting being discouraged.  It's all just SO different from how I was raised.  I look back and feel like a total slacker because I'm just now starting my career - and I still maintained A's and B's all through school!  We have TONS of kids who fail multiple classes and it's as if they don't even care.  I don't get it!


So every day, I am finding myself going home with my shoulders slumped, eagerly crawling onto my couch to disappear into some computer game or another episode of Game of Thrones (I'm playing catch up as I only just started watching it).  I wish I had access to the Goblin King who could just take me away to some fancy masquerade ball in the clouds, and all this reality would fall away.  It's too heavy and dark.


Or maybe I just need to change my perspective.  I need to try harder to "raise my vibration" and be the change I want to see, I guess.  It's just really difficult to maintain that day after day when it feels like everything else is fighting against it.